I got on the subway one morning to come to the office, and realized I had not brought a book with me to read. I had a moment of panic; what am I going to do? I have nothing to read! This felt huge. I felt lost. I looked around me, and most people were either plugged in, checking their phones, or had a book in front of their face.
I acknowledged my feelings, and decided to understand them. Why did I feel this way? Was I feeling left out? I wasn’t part of the crowd. No, that wasn’t it. I’ve always been one to go the other direction from the crowd. So what was it?
Was I afraid of being alone with myself? Not likely. I treasure those moments in the morning before work and in the evening, when I can be in that quiet space, alone with myself. I love to feel gently into what is there, what needs to shift, what feels perfect. I love that time to just BE. So no, that was not it.
Ah, but once I start my day, that is a different matter. Somewhere along the line, I bought into the idea that one must be busy, one must be doing, all the time. Empty time is wasted time, so my subway ride to work became my reading time. Then the ride extended into work time, where I would review my day, read notes. I see people on the subway doing this all the time.
Well, this morning was different. I looked out the window when there was something to see, I did the unthinkable – I looked at the other passengers. I even had the person beside me take off her headset to share a conversation. I felt like a revolutionary, and I arrived at work feeling refreshed rather than stressed. I think I’ll do the same thing on the way home.
